I’m an older person with health issues so I often find myself envying the young, healthy, and beautiful around me. This is really misguided attitude, however. Young people in our society have it pretty tough.

Many come from broken homes.

Don’t get me wrong — I wouldn’t advise a married couple to stay together “for the children” when the marriage is not working. Or a couple to get married just because she’s pregnant.

However, we have to recognize how these breakups can impact youngsters, and more of them have to deal with these issues than they did in the past. There is emotional pain that they have to deal with that many of us never did.

There is also the prevalence of social media.

Children can already put expectations on themselves due to their own desire to please parents and relatives. This gets magnified in an age of constant exposure to social media.

Fortunately for many of the children I know, their parents restrict their access, spend time with them in family functions, and make sure they are active in things they enjoy such as sports, music, or dance.

However, even those with the healthiest home lives still get more social pressure than I ever did.

If you are a concerned neighbor, friend, or relative, what can you do?

It depends on your relationship with their parents. I only spend a few minutes a week, probably, with the kids in my neighborhood. Usually it’s no more than a wave as we walk past each other. Or a “hello” if they accompany their parents to my house. With the children of friends — I see them far less often, maybe once every few months, but when we do interact, we spend more time together, over meals or playing games.

With strangers:

• Be aware. If you see a child that looks troubled, ask if they are doing OK. They may not want to talk, but at least you asked. That can make a difference.
• Their needs are important, not yours. If they make it clear they want to be left alone, walk away. If you suspect physical abuse, you can call an authority figure.

With the children of friends:

• Encourage them
• Give them a chance to learn and grow if you can
• Provide positive feedback
• Sometimes a treat (if their parents approve) is a nice way to let them know you care

None of these things take a lot of time or effort but they can help young people feel better about themselves.

ALWAYS do these types of things ONLY with the full knowledge and acceptance of their parents. Remember, you are here to support and encourage, not to impose or interfere.

Here are a couple of examples from my own life and that of friends:

• One my best friends in college grew up very poor. Her father raised his children after his wife left, but he was never able to afford much for them. She’d never had any toys until the 3rd grade when a teacher gave her a brand new doll. She said that was something she remembered for the rest of her life.
• When I was growing up, in my neighborhood, the mothers and grandmothers would often hang out on the stoops while the children played. They kept an eye on all of us and made sure any bullying or bad behavior was dealt with, and any child who needed help got it.
• Years ago, I saw a 14-year-old crying by the trail where I was walking my dog. I stopped to ask her if she needed help. It turns out she had had a fight with her father and needed to talk and hug my dog. She and I later became friends, and I helped her out a few times when she needed it.
• Another time, we stopped for a crying boy. He petted my dog, seemed happier, but didn’t want to interact, so I just let him cuddle my dog and then wished him a good day.
• One neighbor was home-schooling her children, and one of the daughters took a shine to me. I helped her with her math homework and taught her how to knit. Her parents later told me that I helped her get out of her shell, as she had been a very shy child.
• Another neighbor has a son who has had a hard time in school. The parents and children have helped me quite a bit through my cancer. The kids do chores for me that I am too weak to manage these days. They are very kind. The other day I noticed the boy was having a particularly hard day so I asked if he would play his trumpet for me. I sat out on my porch while he stood on my lawn and played. Having an audience visibly cheered him up. He left a happy child.

I tend to have a soft spot for animals, children, and the elderly. I hate to see them abused and if I can smile with them, that makes me happy. Also, having a stranger interact with them in a positive way seems to make a big impact, even if the interaction is small.

At the same time, with the presence of predators out there — it’s important for concerned adults, particularly parents, to be vigilant. I am very careful when I interact with young people to maintain boundaries and to keep parents in the loop. I am also very careful to respect the child’s requests. If they want space, I give it to them. Their needs have to come first because they are emotionally vulnerable. They don’t always have the language they need, so you have to really listen to them.

I think this is what it means when people say that “it takes a village to raise a child”. None of us do very much for other peoples’ children. The parents and relatives do most of it. But the little that the rest of us do still matters.

At my church, when a new child is born, the congregation takes part in a ceremony welcoming the child to the community and the members agree to help the children grow. Again, most of the congregation will not interact greatly with the children they are not related to, but they strive to be kind, to be helpful, and to offer a good example.

It actually takes little effort, but it can have a deep impact.

I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow

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The post We Sometimes Forget How Hard it Is to Be Young appeared first on The Good Men Project.